Family Gatherings

I know that everyone seems to have family members that are a little crazy or a little off kilter. Everyone has at least one black sheep. I come from the whole herd of black sheep. I swear to god that my family should really be offered a sitcom deal. My mom is one of six kids, three girls and three boys. They are sort of like the George Carlin meets the Brady Bunch. Even though my mother doesnt' interact with her family anymore, my dad fills the spot just perfectly. Every member has their own ridiculus quirks and the most normal of my relatives all married into the family (my father not included). I'm not really sure what this says about me, but at least I can blame it on genetics.

After listening to my uncles make fun of everyone present at our Easter get together and everyone not there to defend themselves, I commented to my aunt that I would really have to be serious about somebody before I brought them to meet the whole crew. To say they are slightly overwhelming would be an understatment.I really love being around them because they always make me laugh at their innappropriate comments and quick comebacks. I have had a few friends over for various events. I am however very selective in which of my friends I bring along. They need to have a couple of qualities to survive: thick skin, a good sense of humor, and not be easily offended.

A couple of years back, I brought my best friend, Cat, to Easter with the fam because she didn't want to fly home to her home in Texas for just the weekend. At one point she was sitting between me and one of my uncles. We started watching a Charlize Theron movie about working in a mine. My uncle looks at her and says (And I wish this wasn't a direct dialogue):

uncle: I heard Charlize Theron shows her jibs in one of her new movies
Cat: Jibs?
uncle: What you don't know what they are?
Cat: I'm pretty sure I can guess.
uncle: Well, it isn't her clam.

Thank God Cat found my family charming in their own, crude, fun-loving way.

This year was just as humerous. Although at least not as embarrassing for me. My grandma asked my uncle where Grandpa had disappeared to and my uncle's response was "He went upstairs to look at porn on the internet." I'm not really sure why my grandma actually believed him, but the look on her face was priceless. It can only be described as utter disgust. My uncle and I were the only ones who saw her reaction and we both laughed so hard our faces hurt. To get the full effect you have to understand that my grandma is a tiny 5'1," 96 pound, 78 year-old woman with the remnants of a Polish accent and a wardrobe like Audrey Hepburn. When she realized that he made it up to get a rise out of her, she walked over and slugged him in the arm which just made the rest of the family join in on conversation.